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So I have been thinking about the point made by women around me that men should learn how to open up to each others so not to exclusively rely on female peers to do emotional labor.

Therefore here's my question to all my male identifying readers: What do you need to open up to male identifying peers? What's hindering you atm? What kind of signals would assure you that the other person is willing to listen and support you?
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@ekaitz_zarraga I am in the middle of a similar transition so I can relate to that.

The thing I am currently encountering myself is:

- the other is outright and instantly making a joke (or trying to) to downplay the situation and from there on it slides downwards
- a lot of questions are aimed instantly at problem solving and not at the emotional dimensions that are also addressed
- no explicit agreement about keeping stuff confidential is made. ever.
- some people (regardless of gender) are jerks

@zatnosk *nods* Thanks for sharing!

@zatnosk I might tickle you with further questions. My main goal has been to see whether it's some weird common thing or just me... Surprise, it's not just me.

@zatnosk Thank you so much :)

@prem Thanks for your insights! If I may ask, what are the recommendations you got?

@hummingrain Yes, this problem solving thing is what bothers me as well. An eye opener to me has been a SciFi story by Becky Chambers, where protagonists often point out that something was meant to be an emotional question. I found that helpful in viewing people's responses differently .

@krozruch And what's the difference then? What does the setting contribute to?

@starbreaker Imagine that it would be possible. What would make you feel safe?

@hhardy01 I do take this as ironic, ok? :) Seriously though, probably all of the above contribute to exactly the opposite I think.

@prem Thanks for your insights! I am grateful.

@krozruch That's food for thought! Thanks for sharing!

@Drezil @sivy


We are all on the same page here, I feel the same more often than not. 🤗

That said back to problem solving :)

Something I have learned so far what matters to me when changing behaviour and patterns:

- Observe. You cannot change what you don't see and know
- Try countermeasures proactively. Remind yourself that the problem will be there for solving later should there be need for problem solving
- emotional support first, even and especially when someone got hurt (rare exceptions apply but you'll know that then :))
- If you ask for emotional support and get problem solutions back, address this: "sorry, I am not looking for a solution just yet, help me sort out how I feel about this"

All this is easier to say than do, I need to retrain myself a lot.

In the hope that this might inspire you to find your own way. If you fail to get support, we are here for that too :)

@awaspnest My premise is that I hardly observe any emotional conversation amongst my male peers (including myself). This is not a blame game. And the emotional labor argument has been made by women (also but not exclusively directly addressed to me personally). I took that as a starting point to look at the interactions I have and those around me.

Does that make sense?

@awaspnest Indirectly maybe, but my interest is not about helping out. My interest is how I can change my and other's interactions for the better and to be more wholesome.

This will benefit all humans in the end. But this is not a feminist struggle, this is ours. Men need there own emancipation from patriarchy ;)

@hummingrain @Drezil

How does that feel?

re: long, mh
@operand Of course that's valid!

I guess this feeds directly into the 'being vulnerable' part that @zigg has been refering to.

And being extra vulnerable on a good day makes it even harder for sure.

I wish you strength to overcome that fear now and then. And lots of good listeners.

@zigg Yes, this resonates. Thanks for your insights! ♥